Expectations and disappointment

Well. As per my previous post you’ll know I’m very much pregnant again. In a way i thought it would happen earlier and in one way I thought it would be a while still. But maybe that means this is the perfect time? Despite raging pandemic and all.

This time around everything has been so so different. I had full on nausea for the first 15/16 weeks. Horrible. Like, waking up in the middle of the night and STILL being nauseous to the point I thought I’d be sick. Every. Damn. Night.

Thankfully I wasn’t sick (although very close a couple of times). The shape of my belly was and is different to my first pregnancy. And to top it all of I was SO hormonal in the beginning. My son and boyfriend took a lot of undeserving telling off. (Sorry boys!)

For all of the above reasons (and then some)both me and my boyfriend were so sure it would be a girl this time. So sure. Friends and family were as well. I created a long list of girl names and got really excited. I tried to tell myself that it won’t matter, I’ll be happy with either. But I knew that wasn’t necessarily 100% true.

The closer we got to the scan where we could find out I started getting nervous. I knew I’d be upset if it wasn’t a girl. And believe me, I fully understand how obnoxious this all sounds. And how triggering this might be. And I apologise for that. But I want to be fully transparent and honest here. As I know I’m not the only one who has hopes and dreams of the sex of their unborn child. And I think we need to be allowed to be honest about that. I think it’s important to not suppress our feelings and thoughts but rather have open conversations about it.

When we were at the scan and we found out it was a boy it felt weird. It felt like the ultrasound was wrong. and due to the pandemic, as soon as we found out the sex of the baby, Jack had to leave the room(such a weird rule). Which meant I was left alone in there with all my thoughts.

I was ok. Honestly. I need to try and explain my thoughts and feelings here. I’ll do my best.

This pregnancy has been, and still is, very uncomfortable. So much worse than when I was pregnant with Alfie. I have accepted I’m not one of those women who like being pregnant. I’m ok with that. But this second pregnancy is no joke. First the nausea as mentioned above. Then physical pain as soon as I do “too much”. Which on some days have only been me moving from the sofa to the kitchen! And it forced me to be in bed for hours after. So it has been a very trialling pregnancy from the start. And having a 2,5 year old who wants to play, cuddle, climb is also taking its toll.

Now, with all that said I probably won’t be pregnant again. At least that’s my thoughts now. Having another boy is and will be amazing! But it also means I will most likely never have a daughter. And that is what I’m grieving. Not the fact it’s a boy. Sons are amazing! But I would really love to have a daughter. And there is a big chance (or risk) I’ll be losing out on that.

I am also thrilled for Alfie to have a brother. As I think there is something special in having a sibling of the same sex. No matter what either one of them will grow up identifying as. I have this vision of a bond being stronger with a same sex sibling. I might be wrong. But it also helps me with my grief over not having a daughter.

Now we’ve started a list of boy names. And surprise surprise – were not agreeing on a name. Lol. It was the same when we were expecting Alfie. But once the baby is here with us we will be able to decide I’m sure. No stress. Only 11 (loooong) weeks to go.

Enjoy your day and hopefully you’ll get to sleep well, even if it’s only five minutes at a time. X

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