One thing that really got to me was the grief over my pre-pregnancy body.

I just wish I would’ve treated my body better and respected it more, you know? Now I realise it was a great body.

I still miss that body but I’m getting more and more proud of the body I now have. It made a human so I’m feeling pretty cool about it.

However in the beginning I really did mourn my body. It was a weird feeling to have. Of course I have the same body, but I was really struggling. I felt ashamed. I felt I should’ve bounced back quicker.

I felt I was ugly and fat and just a lump. This is what I felt. I’m not saying it was the reality, I’m saying it was how I felt.

I put some kind of weird pressure on myself about what I should look like, how I should feel and what I should be like.

Of course I couldn’t live up to those strange and extreme expectations, which then made me sad and gave me a very bad feeling. I got very self-conscious. I still am in a way but I’m working on it.

It’s not easy becoming a first time mum with EVERYTHING you need to learn. You’re utterly and totally responsible for a tiny human and making sure your baby remains alive can be enough pressure on a person. To then have this new body you have to accept and love is a lot – at least it was for me.

I’m sure there are women out there who are mentally stronger than I am and just embraced their new body instantly and loved it straight away. I’m very happy for you, and a bit jealous to be honest.

At the same time I know there are many women who, just like me, didn’t really anticipate this part of the recovery journey. The part where you literally have to get to know your body again.

I felt like a young school girl at times trying to figure out how things worked for the first time.

One part of the body that I was the most upset about was my vagina. Yup, you read it. My vag. My lady parts, the fifi, the noonoo, the whatever-you-wanna-call-it vagina. It was like a totally new vagina down there.

How on earth does this one work?

I was so happy with the way it was before. I have honestly cried far too many times than I’d like to admit about it, but oh the tears. Don’t worry, I’ve gotten to know her now and we’re good mates but it was the hardest thing to get over.

I’m not sure it’s the same for everyone going through a vaginal delivery of their baby, but as I had a bit of an experience – to say the very least – they had to fix me back up again after. They did a great job, you wouldn’t even be able to any scarring or anything I don’t think, but it doesn’t change the fact that it felt totally new to me once it had all healed.

For whatever reason this was very hard for me to come to terms with. It was very hard to accept. More importantly it gave my self-confidence a massive kick in the… vag I guess. I didn’t feel like me. I didn’t feel like Fia.

Luckily this changed and I am feeling like myself again. I am liking my new body and vagina and I’m loving the new sense of calm I have.

Ok, not always. Jack and I still have little, petty arguments, I still get exhausted beyond belief and I have big cry moments. But it’s like the foundation is stronger now. I’m quicker to get back on my feet, to get ok after a non-ok time. My foundation is stronger, more secure now.

Thank you Alfie for giving me this – motherhood. My strength.

I am aware this is not true for all women but this is my truth in this moment. And I needed to share it. Thank you for letting me.

Enjoy your day and hopefully you’ll get to sleep well, even if it’s only five minutes at a time.
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